Old Woman Gives Casserole to The Regal Seagull

Full article can be read HERE.

Residents Struggle to Gather Year Supply of Fireworks

Full article can be read HERE.

Great invention? Or greatest invention?

Jerry Seinfeld had an old stand-up bit he did about respecting Chinese people because they use chopsticks. It went something like this:

“I’ll tell you what I like about Chinese people. They’re hanging in there with the chopsticks. You know they’ve seen the fork. They’re staying with the sticks. I don’t know how they missed it. Going out all day on the farm with a shovel. Come on. Shovel. Spoon. You’re not plowing 50 acres with a couple of pool cues.”

Disregarding the fact that Jerry Seinfeld is a horrible actor, his hit show was about nothing, and he’s got a weird looking face, he does have a point. The spoon is a basic object, fundamental to society. It is an important utensil which has been around for centuries (not just the noun, but the verb, I might add).

However, its significance is dwarfed by another monumental development in the cutlery world.

The Spork.

For an intelligent - but most certainly inaccurate - history of the spork, go to your local wikipedia site. My intention is not to bore you with details of the making of this modern miracle, but to expand upon its grandeur. If you want to fully grasp the impact of the spork, read on my dear friend. Read on.

Never before in the history of man have two objects in such stark contrast been blended so well with each other. Not only in functionality, but in name. The word “spork” - a perfect combination of “spoon” and “fork” - flows so effortlessly off the tongue, it is obviously the utensil used by the gods.

Anyone who has been camping or to KFC (or in prison) has experienced this wonderful hybrid of use - able to scoop up the last drops of soup, as well as to stab those delicious vegetables. A true man needs no other eating implement.

In recent years, others have been inspired by the spork and attempted to create similar combinations of otherwise incompatible objects. And while they were well-intentioned, success evaded.

A camera phone becomes a camera that takes lousy pictures and a phone that doesn’t work properly. The WNBA - combining two things that, in and of themselves, are fine - results in a slow-paced, sissy, cry fest. Brangelina - who individually were at the tops of their games - have become a subservient husband and a homewrecker, respectively.

No, not since that perfect union of left- and right-handed utensils has any amount of synergy been found. Attempts have been made - and will most assuredly continue to be made - but almost certainly never duplicated.

So, the only question left to answer is: The Spork. Great invention? Or greatest invention?

Last Non-Mormon Boy Scout Turns 18

Full article can be read HERE.

Real Salt Lake Players Excited to Play in NFL

Full article can be read HERE.

LDS Church to Consider Raising Tithing Rate

Full article can be read HERE.

Utah Resident Linked to LOLcats

Full article can be read HERE.

Utah Residents Relieved They Now Know Who Not To Vote For

Full article can be read HERE.

Obama: The New Bush?

In accordance with my current occupation, I am drowning in political news. My days are spent traveling through the jungle that is the Internet reading the happenings of the world. The majority of stories I read tie back into the major issues – the economy, the war, the environment, healthcare – that will directly effect how people vote in November. So with much of today’s news focusing on the upcoming presidential election, much of my thinking has been on the same topic. And this is what I’ve discovered:

Senator Barack Obama is the exact opposite of President George W. Bush.

Earth shattering, I know. The differences are obvious – party, race, age, background, experience. The list could go on. In nearly every aspect, one differs greatly from the other. But it’s the one similarity between the current President and the Illinois Senator that could lead to 8 years of déjà vu for Americans.

In what now seems like a drug-induced hallucination, there was actually a time when people trusted President Bush to make decisions. It was the weeks and months immediately after 9/11. Americans were united. We all turned to our newly elected Commander in Chief, ready to follow wherever he led. President Bush could ask for anything – especially if it was in the name of fighting terrorism – and it would be given to him on a silver platter.

And it was.

A war in Iraq – with “fight them over there instead of fighting them over here” as its mantra – was approved. Over the next 7 years, most of those who weren’t opposed to the war in the first place have since changed their minds. But in 2001, at the dawn of his presidency, Bush had struck the jackpot. Because of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center, Bush had the nearly unanimous support of the American people. But as many politicians do, he took advantage of the opportunity for his own personal gain. Instead of doing what was best for America, he did what was best for him. (Although, if you ask me, Dick Cheney was the evil villain mastermind behind it all and Bush was the loveable mostly-naïve sidekick)

Now, fast-forward 7 years. When it comes to the support of the American people, Barack Obama is not much different than the 2001 President Bush. Granted, the reasons behind their followings are very different – one was a result of a terrible national tragedy and the other is a result of his amazing eloquence and ability to inspire – but if Obama makes it to the White House, we may find ourselves in the same circumstance we did two terms ago.

There will be a new party in town, and Obama will be in charge of it. His throngs of followers will have only increased between now and November, potentially giving him a significant majority of supporters. And just like with post-9/11, we will trustingly hand over the keys to the country.

And it’s that very trust – the trust that was adulterated by the Bush administration – that we hope Obama doesn’t capitalize on for personal gain. But he might. This raconteur could win our hearts and sweet-talk his way to the oval office, only to shock us all by falling into the same rut as his predecessors. He may end up defaulting to traditional politics, pushing a personal agenda and repeating the previous 8 years. All the pieces are in place for that to happen. If he gets in the driver’s seat, a lot of Americans won’t question the road trip ahead.

But I hope that doesn’t happen. And I’m confident it won’t. In my experience, people base their vote on which candidate feels right. Sure, other things are taken into account – political party, liberal or conservative, the issues – but the reason Obama feels like the right choice to a lot of people is not just because he speaks well. There’s something more than his mesmerizing oration, his robust baritone voice or his commanding presence. His mantra has been “Change We Can Believe In” and we Americans repeat it back, with one slight difference – “Change We Want To Believe In.” We want to believe that things will be different – that he will be different – and that’s why people follow. That’s why they’re willing to trust him. Obama seems genuine. Sincere. Real. Heartfelt. Truthful.

But the dominos have more or less been set up. If Obama is elected, we will have another president we’re ready to follow. Another president we’re willing to trust. Another president we feel comfortable making decisions for us.

So let’s hope he makes the right ones.

Gas Prices: The Higher, The Better

I think I may be the only person in the United States (and perhaps the world) who is not part of the oil industry but is glad gas prices are soaring.

Here my surely-flawed logic:

Since gas prices are so high - and likely to get higher - as people buy new cars, they will be more likely to opt for the fuel-efficient sedans instead of the gas-guzzling SUVs (why people drove those cars to begin with is beyond me - mostly an indication of how the priorities of the average American are messed up).

And as more people buy these high-mile-per-gallon cars, car makers will be more likely to design their new cars to get better mileage.

This is especially an issue with traditional American-made cars, which care more about speed and power than efficiency and practicality. So, when American car makers make the switch, they will provide competition for foreign car companies. This will, hopefully, cause more people to buy American-made cars.

So this would help the U.S. economy, keep jobs in America, help the environment, save people money, get America’s priorities right, bring gas prices back down and put Arrested Development back on the air! (I don’t know about that last part, but wouldn’t it be great?! It would make the world complete again)

Now, as stated, I’m sure this logic is not airtight. I’m no economist, mechanic or fuel guru. And I realize this process will take years. However, I think the point is clear and I think it’s already happening.

It is becoming less chic to drive the 3-mile-per-gallon Humm-scalade. And while many say the reason is because of the environment, I am doubtful that’s the case. The environment has been around for a long time. The idea of saving the environment and fighting global warming has been around for a long time. No lie! Al Gore neither invented the fight against global warming (P.C. - climate change) nor the Internet.

No, the real reason - which shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone - is money. Americans never change their lifestyles, ideas or morals unless it means more money. And now that all across America, citizens are staring to feel the gas-pump pinch, they are finally starting to realize it may be better to invest in a more fuel-efficient car.

Never mind the hundreds or thousands of dollars they could have been saving over the past decade by driving a car with better gas mileage. Not only would that not have been cool, but what would have been the point? The economy was in great shape! So they had plenty of money to shell out at the Shell station (bad…I know…feel free to groan). But now that things don’t look so great, people are finally starting to be motivated by the only thing that will do it - money.

So, when it comes to high gas prices, I hope they stay high (although it does sicken me that oil companies are making record profits and doing everything they can to make more money - again, money is the most powerful, and sometimes only, motivator). But I hope people will be smarter about their purchases. I hope they permanently reorder their priorities and realize that bigger and badder isn’t always better.

That is all.